I failed

I sat there, holding my baby, blood all over my chest, bawling, shaking and short of breath. I failed. I failed to protect my baby, I failed to keep his precious little face unharmed. I know it wasn’t my fault, I know I could not have prevented it, but man does that feeling suck.

The worst part? I was RIGHT there. James wanted me to print some coloring in pictures and color in with him. We sat by the table, Jaxson motoring around on the floor. Some people call them freak accidents, I call it pure hell. Jaxson tried to stand up as he usually does but somehow, his hand slipped and he fell. Not on the floor as usual, but on a cheap plastic block that broke in pieces as his mouth hit it.

I was angry at that stupid block and I was angry at myself. I don’t even know how the block ended up there as it’s not something he ever plays with. Anyway, the block cut his lip quite deep and a few other spots under his nose. There’s also a minor cut inside the roof of his mouth. I felt like shit. Everything was a blur, all I saw was blood.

I don’t think I could ever describe the feelings that came over me at that moment. My heart was shattered and I could not stop crying. I still cry when I think back to his little face with all that blood and his heart sore cry. He was flailing his arms and legs in so much pain and I will never forget it. I gave Panado literally straight away and he calmed down within 2 minutes but man, those 2 minutes felt like hours.

I was home alone with Jaxson and James when this happened and poor James just kept running after me asking if he could help. (He did moan a little that I was getting blood on his blanket…) Anyway, after this whole commotion, I felt so emotionally drained. Those feelings of failure washed over me and I have extreme guilt that I cannot seem to shake off.

People always tell you how amazing it is to be a mom and “you will LOVE it!!”. They don’t warn you about these moments. These moments where you feel like a piece of shit. These moments where you feel so helpless because you entering the third week of your toddler being sick and he is just getting worse. Why can’t I keep these little humans healthy and happy? I hate feeling like this. I hate seeing them like this.  I guess all we can do is try. Today I failed but tomorrow I will do better. Tomorrow I will be better. Tomorrow is another day and life does go on.  I am pretty sure Jaxson would have forgotten all about his cut lip while I still shed a tear every time I look at him.

Heartbroken mama,

Chenel xox