Just because I look okay, does not mean I am.
I have said this plenty of times: Momming is hard. I am a firm believer in promoting positivity instead of blasting your problems to the world. I do get real, I do get honest but then I feel I am accused of complaining about my kids and that I am not allowed to because so many women struggle to conceive – Yup. That’s my life in the online world. (And again, I am not complaining.)
I walk around and people constantly ask me how the hell I do it. How do I run a blog, a photography career, juggling so many clients and brands and parent those two gorgeous little boys? To be honest guys, I have a great support system which I know many moms do not have. Even with that, I take it minute by minute. This is not the point of my post though.
Just because I smile, I wear makeup, I get dressed and I get stuff done, does not mean I am not tired beyond belief and so incredibly frustrated I could scream. If you can have a peek into the inside of my soul, you would probably see me in a different light. I am full of stress, anxiety and most days on the brink of tears. I have been so incredibly tired since 2015 and no amount of sleep will fix that. I wake up a million times a night because surprise surprise, MY KIDS DON’T SLEEP THROUGH. But you know? I am okay with that. So don’t give me advice on sleep training, you are wasting your time.
My soul is tired, my heart is tired and my brain completely fried. Jaxson has these crying episodes before bed that probably scare the neighbors. If you don’t have a kid that cries like that, you have NO idea how it sucks your soul. How your mood has completely gone from decent to “wtf” and then just numb.
Numb, ah yes numb. A feeling so familiar. It’s probably the best way to describe myself when I have been pushed too far. I go a little insane (okay, a lot insane) and then just numb. You hear the kids screaming and throwing tantrums, you see the husband running around (or doing nothing if he is a jerk – luckily mine isn’t) and you have this outer body experience where everything is just out of whack around you, but you are just staring into space, feeling, well, numb. Food is burning, kids are crying and you? Probably holding your tears back if you are anything like me.
I don’t ever have my shit together but I get up each morning and I TRY. I don’t just sit and complain about how I feel and expect a pity party to come. I live my day, I do the best that I can and I realize that that is enough. I don’t need to be a freaking superwoman – it’s not normal. If your babies are fed and healthy, YOU HAVE DONE ENOUGH! These little humans whose lives depend on you, they are hard work! But man oh man, they are so worth it.
I will probably always feel overwhelmed and I will probably never know what it feels like to be well rested and that’s okay. I chose this life. I wanted to be a mom. And regardless of all the bad, I am having a damn good time raising these two rowdy boys and would never have it any other way.