I am lying here, staring at Amelia in her co-sleeper and the guilt creeps in. I wasn’t patient with her, I was too hard on her, I should have been better. These guilty feelings have me going into the boys rooms’ and giving them another cuddle goodnight. I was so impatient with them too. Why? Why can’t I get through a day without losing my cool?
My guilty feelings unravel me. It’s actually getting to my head. Am I a terrible mother? Screaming at babies that so many women yearn to have? Leaving my 7 month old to cry instead of consoling her, because I couldn’t stand the crying anymore? Yet, there’s so many women dying to be in my position.
I feel hurt, I feel ashamed, I feel, well, guilty. Guilty for not loving them enough today. Guilty for not even attempting to give them a proper meal (that they will refuse) and just giving frozen nuggets and yogurt right off the bat. Guilty for thinking Amelia was overreacting when she was crying before bedtime. She just wanted me. Just a cuddle. Was it so bad?
We constantly surrounded by noise during the day. The noise of our job, people, to-do lists and kids. The noise that consumes us and takes over our minds and turns us into impatient women with a burning desire for calm. Everything get’s too overwhelming – music that you liked before sounds like, well, noise. You need to shut off.
The bath-and-bed-routine comes to a close and you breath for the first time in a couple hours. You have your tea hot, you eat that hidden chocolate and you most probably fall asleep on the couch before your favorite series’ intro starts. You are not just physically exhausted, but mentally exhausted too. No one talks about that mental load, ey? The never ending thought process of stuff that needs to be done, hasn’t been done and worrying how you can get it done. It drains you.
You climb in bed and you stare at the ceiling. Guilt. You make promises and you promise you will be better tomorrow – yes, no monster-mama here! But we know that the odds are against us. Something is bound to happen. James might spill his juice all over the clean floors again, Jaxson might sit on his sister and she will cry, again. Amelia might be fussy and not settle before bedtime, again. And there you are, at the end of your thread. Again.
Life goes on and every day we can try be better. Some days we might even succeed? Other days, we won’t and that is not called failure. It’s normal. It’s what happens behind the pretty Instagram screen. NORMAL – and don’t let anybody tell you otherwise. This funny thing called life is a journey for a reason – we live, we learn and we improve daily. Not every day is going to be a good day, and that’s absolutely okay. You doing your best mama, and that is enough.
This is exactly how I felt yesterday, had a complete melt down. So well said, thank you!
I’m so happy I’m not the only one that feels this! We need to speak about this more am not be ashamed about it! Thank you for speaking about it and making the rest of us feel like we aren’t alone
This is so honest and well written. Thank you for sharing it. So many moms dare not discuss this raw truth at the fear of all the mom bullies and shamers out there. I feel like this so often and constantly pray to God to help me be calmer and more patient. I love my babies to bits like every other mother loves hers too. Sometimes it just gets too much, you just need a few moments of silence and calm, just to save yourself from drowning.
You’re doing so well you must be really proud of yourself. Just remember not to spread yourself
too thin mommy. You need me time too . So that you can keep sane to look after all your babas. And I’m saying this and I’m in the same boat as you 😥🤣🤣 but really you’re amazing . Moms work so hard . I’m in awe of woman who can play all these different mom roles and jobs etc its amazing
I know exactly how you feel. We are having some issues with Harper – allergies and a refusal to eat. And I know it is not her fault. I made the one thing she has never said no to: Apple sauce. She refused to eat it. I just lost it and threw it in the sink. I felt like the worst mom, but the stress at that moment was just to much!! Not knowing what is wrong with her, the waiting to make sure all the professionals can meet on the same day to do the tests, my brain so tired going to the worst possible conclusions. It was just emotionally such a heavy load I lost it and started to cry. Thank heaven my husband is much better with stressful situations so he calmed me down and then I feel worse for shouting “why don’t you want to eat”. I felt and still do, feel horrible. As you say there is people that will give anything to have a crazy household, late for work because the kids didnt want to go to school etc, but when you are in it you are going to have crazy days. Today I am trying to be better and let the unknown not get the better of me. I know I’m a good mom, but some days we don’t see it and that is why we need a village to show us we are doing ok!! Thank you for this post x x
I feel the exact same way everyday! My daughter comes home, then it’s time to make supper while I’m cooking baby doesn’t want to be in that pram anymore or play on the mat so I must pick him up not long after that he must eat and my daughter needs to bath. Some nights I don’t even get time to eat because everything gets too much, when kids are tucked into bed and asleep I just want to lay and relax, listen to some gospel songs until hubby gets at home. Hope it gets better soon for the both of us
So many of us fully identify with you AGAIN! It’s such a relief to know you are in fact not alone and other moms are struggling with guilt on their daily journeys too. Sometimes motherhood can be so isolating and the overwhelming guilt of not being enough to handle everything and everyone can be huge. The more mom’s/parents share their authentic experiences the better! @clan_anderson on IG
Chenel your blog posts really helps me alot and this is how I feel most times. Thank you
love this. thank you for sharing what we all feel far too often. thank you for being real.
Today i purposely came to read this again. This week has been one of those weeks… My teenager who is in grade 7 has had endless amount of homework and projects that require a bit of our help, my 17 month old son is currently going through a mental leap so this week has been absolutely draining. I felt like i was headless chicken last night with all the running around. I work a full time job in a rather demanding industry, get home and then the youngest already demands my attention – outside walks is his new thing and in a way i feel its his way of distracting me, but in the back of my mind i am thinking about all the other million things that i have to do, get him fed, help his brother with his project, get the little one bathed dressed and ready for bed, make sure to check on the progress of the project – still find time to eat, and shower and put the little one to sleep. It never ends. My husband noticed my anxiety while taking the little one out the bath and i just said to him i feel like my life is just so out of control, that there isn’t a smooth path that we’re following and no STRICT routines. He reminded me to breathe and told me that i cannot control everything, that we do have some sort of routine (the youngest one) and that it will come. I just need to breathe. As i sat finishing late last night with my eldest project i felt guilty that i wasn’t the one who was putting him to sleep, guilty for moaning at my eldest for getting frustrated with him, guilty for everything that had happened that evening.
This morning was a new start, and today i will try better, But long story short this post truly spoke to me.
So thank you