We Lost Our Baby : Part 1
I was never sure if I would write about all of this. Do I want the world to know? Do I keep it a secret? Did it even happen or was it some sick nightmare? Here I am, writing. Taking this word for word. I put FRIENDS on in the background to keep me sort-of-sane through this post. I have my coffee, FRIENDS is on full blast (Ross is about to scream “We were on a break!!”) and I am ready. As ready as I will ever be I guess.
We weren’t trying for a baby, I mean, Jaxson is only a year old and James is 3. Our house is pretty full and life is pretty damn nuts. I went to the gynae for my yearly check-up and he does that horrid internal check with Mrs.Wanda (the wand, that stupid wand they have to insert inside your vajay) and he looks surprised. He tells me I am ovulating – which is weird for me because I haven’t ovulated on my own in so long – the month I got pregnant with James to be exact. Anyhoo, I was lying there thinking, “Crap, well I need to take a test in two weeks then.”
Two weeks went by pretty fast. A friend stayed by me for a couple days that probably made it go by so much faster. The day she left we had champagne and life was great. The next day, I realize I was due for my period – and nothing. Next day, nothing. My sister and I went to Checkers for groceries and I told her my concerns. She convinced me to just buy the damn test and take it that night. Me being, well, me, I bought three tests.
I got home, hid the tests away and got the kids in bed. I sneaked the tests into the bathroom and took one. Clearblue with the plus sign? Yes, that one. I pee’d in a cup and put the test in. I kept staring at it, watching the dye run from left to right. The horizontal line was there, the control line shows up and now we wait. 20 seconds pass, I look down, there it is. There is that stinkin’ vertical line staring at me. My heart starts racing, my hands are shaking and I feel like I am going to throw up. My sister is standing down the hallway and I look at her with panic. She runs to me and tries to calm me down.
A million things run through my mind. Jaxson is only a year old, how can this be? What am I going to do? What is my husband going to say? Where do you go for abortions? Will I be able to live with myself? So many questions ran through my mind. I was helpless.
I told my husband. He wasn’t okay. He did not know how to deal with this surprise and to be honest, neither did I. He was angry, confused, scared, upset and worried – it was gut-wrenching, even though I felt the same.
We didn’t speak much that weekend. It was silent in our home and the tension ran high. We didn’t speak about the situation or acknowledged it. The following week while he was at work, I sent him a quote that said: “Unplanned doesn’t mean unwanted, it just means life knew what we needed before we did.” He replied, “I know baby.”
Somehow, I felt comfort in that. He started to be okay with it, and so did I. I ordered a little gender-neutral outfit and a mickey mouse baby grow. We were going to have another little baby and the fear started to subside.
After a couple of days, we started joking about it. How ironic it was and how things happen for a reason. I started googling baby names and looking at itty bitty baby clothes online. Eugene started making comments about James, Jaxson and baby number three all under one roof – we were finally getting excited. I wish we didn’t. I really wish we didn’t get happy about it.
Monday morning at 9 AM I was at Pathcare to take my blood levels. It was done quick and painless but man, the 2-hour wait to get your results felt like days. I got my results back – a steady number! I was SO happy. It confirmed it even more for me. But something told me something isn’t right. That stupid gut feeling that just kills your mood? Yeah, that shitty feeling.
I waited until Wednesday to take another round of blood tests. Again, the wait felt like forever and that is when my world started spinning. It did not double. I ran to my gynae’s office and showed it to him. He calmed me down and told me to recheck in a week. A week was too long, I could not make it. So I decided to go the Friday again (4 days after the first test). I sat in my car before collecting the result and I prayed. I prayed for peace with whatever happens.
I walked into Pathcare, got my results. Went up with just 50. That was it. Didn’t even double after 4 days, where it should double after 2. I went home, I cried and that’s when the cramping started. I was absolutely devasted. I hated my body, I hated that I got my hopes up and I hated that life was ripping this baby away from me. I started spotting on Friday and then bleeding got a little worse. I went into ER, was sent home on bed rest as my cervix was closed and was told it was a threatened miscarriage. I just knew this baby was leaving me. Leaving us.
Eugene did not want to believe it at first because my HCG kept increasing, but as a woman, you just know. You know what is happening to your body and you know when something is not right. The Saturday I started bleeding a lot more. I went back to ER and they sent me home again, with progesterone. I knew it was useless but I used it anyway.
Then Sunday came. Oh, Sunday…
Clotting and a lot more blood. I went back to the hospital at 3pm and got admitted for the night to be monitored. They took my bloods again – 397. Devastated. Hurt. Angry. But something inside me still wished it would all be okay and that there is a little hope – is that stupid? I mean, look at what was happening.
Monday morning the on-call gynae came and gave me the option of taking the tablet to get rid of everything and let it naturally pass. We chose to go that route as the pregnancy was deemed unviable. With the immense amount of blood and clotting, the cramping and the extremely slow HCG rise, this baby would not survive.
I took the tablet, I went home and a little bit of me died that day. I cramped so much and no amount of pain killers helped. I eventually passed everything after 6 days.
I have never experienced that amount of emotional pain in my life. I am so thankful for the strong support system around me – if I did not have it, I don’t know where I would have been right now. Losing a baby, even that early (6 weeks), is absolutely devastating and something I do not wish upon anyone. But sadly, it is quite common and so many women go through it. Is it fair? No. Do I still believe things happen for a reason? Absolutely.
My head hurts, my heart hurts and right now I am just trying to pick up the pieces and move on.
I will be okay, soon.
Next part coming next week – my horrible experience with the ER and on-call doctor. Yes, there is loads more to the story.
I created a Instagram page as soon as we found out – you can see more of how I was feeling there. It’s set to private but I will accept those wanting to have a look. @journey.to.nr3 (it was originally @thirdbabykruger but I changed it since we are going to start on our next journey.)
Till next time,
C xx
Oh just reading this brought back so many memories of my miscarriages. I’m so sorry you had to experience this, despite it being common, despite it being early, despite it being a surprise pregnancy, despite all the things well meaning people will tell you should make it hurt less, it hurts like a mofo. It’s an unbearable pain that no words could ever adequately describe. Sending you all my love as you heal physically and emotionlly xx
I’m so sorry for your loss, and I thank you for sharing your journey and adding awareness to what so many women go through… I pray that the good lord puts his hand over you and your family so that you can all heal… thinking of you! 💕🙏🏼
I can completely relate, I found out I was pregnant a month before my wedding, I was only 21 and didn’t know how to feel but slowly I started to feel excited about this crazy, unplanned miracle. Then 4 days after the wedding were these slight cramps that my gut told me were not right, went to the hospital and was told it was fine but then when they did the scan there was no heartbeat. I was devastated.
I’m lucky enough to have been blessed with a beautiful daughter but I’ll never forget the pain of a miscarriage.
Wishing you strength through the tough days. Friends (both real and TV show) make every tough situation better xxx
Thank you for sharing your story with us. My heart still breaks in pieces for you, but I do believe that there are great things ahead for you. Remember there’s always a rainbow after the storm. Be fierce, be on fire!! Xxx
I’m crying with you. It’s a pain you can’t explain to anyone. Pregnant is pregnant, no matter how far along. And loss is loss, and hurts like hell.
May your heart (and body) receive peace and comfort. Thank you for sharing a bit of your heart.
You never forget those feelings. I am so sorry. We tried for 7 years and had more losses, at varying stages, than I’d like to remember. Never forget that you are surrounded by a strong community that too have dealt with this pain xxx
I’m so sorry for your loss I was 9 weeks along I found out I was pregnant and for two whole seconds I was the happiest Iv ever been in my life and then my doc says I’m worried that you are miscarrying so I off I went to hospital where I sat in an empty waiting room of the gyne I waited a hour and a half while she did goodness knows what onlybtomge checked and told it’s extopic or Iv already miscarried When I tried telling her I’m further along than 5 weeks she goes no 5 weeks is fine and she sent me home…for an ectopic…it was almost two weeks later two weeks of pain and of passing out when the pain got too much to handle that my twins where born into heaven…she didn’t even bother making my follow up appointment which she said she would do. And now my mum seems to think I need to mourn because she hasn’t seen me cry my boyfriend thinks Iv mourned enough and because he has seen me cry but I haven’t even scratched the surface of what I’m feeling I don’t know how to be me anymore after this life changing thing has happened to me but I’m expected to be normal. But…I still smile at other people’s babies even though I’m dying inside…and I know even though it may get easier the pain is not going away…because every once in a while I get this urge to scream that I’m supposed to be living a different life right now I’m supposed to have my hands and heart full with two little babies. But instead I have empty arms and a broken heart. And I can’t bring myself to open up and talk to the boyfriend about this because he thinks I’m ok now. But I’m just…lost
Thanks for this… Had a miscarriage yesterday. Was also 6 weeks pregnant. Its been such an emotional Rollercoaster. One of the worst experiences of my life. Trying my best to move on and leave it all behind me but as long as I can still feel my tummy cramping and see the blood, I just can’t get myself to make piece with it.
Your story is so familiar
And heartbreaking..
As soon as my doc saw my count dropped she called me in.. this was my 5 pregnancy.. 3rd miscarriage.. my heart immediately dropped..
Baby had no heartbeat and i went in for a dnc..
To top of my mum passed away 2 weeks b4.
The Lord is so good. 2 months later i was pregnant.. I’ve given birth to a healthy 3 week old.. Jesus is real
Just now, reading this, feeling all the feels… My heart broke.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your little angel. It’s the hardest most traumatic experience that no one should ever have to be put through. I lost my baby at 6 months pregnant. A piece of me died – a statement so true and so fitting to any mom whose lost an angel. Sending loads of warm wishes, love and light.
I’m so sorry you had to go through this, it’s absolutely devastating. My thoughts and prayers are with you xx
My miscarriage experience was with my first baby. I was 18 years old at the time and just married. I came from a broken home so having my own little family meant everything to me! It was the most devastating time of my life and I literally felt like I was going to die of a broken heart. Today, praise the lord, I have 3 beautiful kids that I am very grateful for ❤️. Every year, in December, I think about my 1st as that’s when I would have been due. He would have been turning 5 this year. Wishing you well lovey… May God put your heart at ease ♥️
Sending you lots of strength and big hugs. I can’t even begin to imagine or comprehend what you went through and still going through. My heart bleeds reading this.
My very first pregnancy ended in miscarriage. Reading through this definitely reminds me of everything I went through and felt at the time. And as soon as it’s over, you feel the need to immediately start trying again for another baby, to replace the one you had just lost, even if you hadn’t planned the pregnancy in the first place. The reason for this is your body is shell shocked – your hormones still think you’re pregnant for a time and it makes you an emotional, confused wreck.
My gynae gave me excellent advice, and said, to give myself 3 months to just mourn the loss and heal, rather than immediately try again for another baba. And I felt it took exactly 3 months and then I started to really feel myself again. I feel pregnant again 2 months later. That little girl is almost 7 years old now, and her baby sister is one and a half.
What helped me accept the loss, was that the doctor said to me that fetuses we lose in miscarriage often weren’t forming properly, and had the baby gone full term, there’s a strong chance it would have been a very heavily deformed, sick child. So sometimes, it’s the body’s way of ending something that just wasn’t meant to be. I know it’s awful and hard to accept, but that fact helped me deal with it and look forward to a time when I WOULD have my baby, and know that this just wasn’t that time or that baby.
I hope my words help and don’t hurt, I truly understand how you feel. As I didn’t have any of my own kids yet when it happened, I went and got a puppy! Coming home to an empty house seemed extremely bleak. Fortunately for you, you have your little princes to give you extra cuddles and help you through. And then one day when the time is right, you’ll have your rainbow baby and the world will be right again. Thinking of you xxx
Im so sorry 😥
Im never one to comment on blogposts. This broke my heart though, because I remember my rainbow baby, “Angel Baby” is what we call him or her. My work stress caused it and the fear that gripped me with my pregnancy with my LG was insane, the only comfort was the words from my gynae “There is nothing you could have done to prevent it, nothing you could have done to keep it and nothing you can do to make the baby go away.” Sterkte.
Strongs to you ♡ i know its hard,i would lie if i said it will get easier BUT it doesnt, You just learn to live with it and how to cope…
I went through a similar thing twice with 2 early pregnancies and then carried to almost 30 weeks with my pregnancy before Zach , My angel daughter Mila whom i had to give birth to and hold( While moms around me in the maternity ward were happy,there i was BROKEN) Mila being a PERFECT little girl she was,10 fingers,10 toes perfect little features and just perfect in EVERYWAY ,questioning myself,my body and GOD as to WHY … WHY ME … WHY AGAIN AND WHY WOULD HE TAKE SOMETHING SO PERFECT away from us *♡ my only “advice” to you ,with what helped me and helps me on a daily basis and “keep partially sane” is to talk… talk about your experience,talk about your little angel who will always be at you side and always be watching over you and your little family ♡ Lots of love xxx
Sending lots of love and thoughts to you. It is very, very hard. I miscarried at around 8 weeks in October 2016. Also was not trying to fall pregnant but after a day or two of being really “deurmekaar” it started becoming exciting. But it was just not meant to be. Nothing can prepare you for that heartache, the emotional and physical pain. However, I feel pregnant again a few months later, was due to have happy in December 2017 and she arrived in October. A now very happy, healthy almost 1 year old. Wishing you all the best.. xx
Doesn’t matter how early it was, it will always be a part of you, and it does hurt. I experienced a miscarriage very early on too and its horrible. We have been trying for a year already for baby no.2 , and i just had to go through a laproscopic surgery which was not as easy as i thought, and it will be our first month trying again after that…and ALL i can say is faith will pull you through anything, God WILL pull you through to the other side. Your doing great! Just keep going & just keep smiling! You have two beautiful little humans that depend on your happiness – Praying for strength sweetheart xxxx
So jammer x lost a little peanut at 7wks and a beautiful baby girl at 38wks, Tylene 💕 it gets better but never forgotten, jy is sterker as wat jy dink, groot drukkie xxx
Big hug to you guys, praying that God will give all the strength you need as you pick up the pieces
This seriously hit me with the feels. Pretty close to what happened to me. Sending you hugs, from a stranger, I know but sending it anyway.
Sad that you had to experience this and glad that you strong enough to share your story.
Sterkte!
Still thinking about you and Eugene. And the boys too. Remember the rainbows. Always 🌈🌈🌈 xxx
Oh Chanel I’m so sorry. There is nothing like this pain and the hopes we attach to those littles. I’m thinking of you and I hope you’re feeling OK, physically. Emotionally, you just need to give yourself time.
Just had a cry reading that and definitely won’t complain tonight when my babba wakes me. Well done for sharing your story…it validates other women’s grief. Society expects women to deal with miscarriage because “it happens.”
This story is so touching in so many ways, obviously all for the wrong reasons. So many of us endure this torture and so many people underestimate the wound it creates and the scars that are left behind. Your story sounds so similar to mine – April 2015.
There are so many unspoken emotions around this and I know how hard it is to talk about it and share, so thank you for opening up and confirming that we are not alone. Like someone above said….remember the rainbows.
You put in words what I never could have. Lost our baby in May 2015 at 7.5 weeks (our first one) and still waiting for our baby. It is a difficult subject so thank you for telling your story. Take all the time you need, and remember you guys now have a beautiful angel looking down on you! xx
I feel this . I went through this in January this year and my baby would have been due anytime now. It was my first and also at 6 weeks. We have been trying for 2 years. Thankfully I am now pregnant again and almost 15 weeks 🙂 That fear during the 1st trimester, everytime I went for bloods and waiting for the results, it was excruciating. All is well so far and I cannot wait to meet my baby. Praying for everything to go well.