We Lost Our Baby : Part 1

I was never sure if I would write about all of this. Do I want the world to know? Do I keep it a secret? Did it even happen or was it some sick nightmare? Here I am, writing. Taking this word for word. I put FRIENDS on in the background to keep me sort-of-sane through this post. I have my coffee, FRIENDS is on full blast (Ross is about to scream “We were on a break!!”) and I am ready. As ready as I will ever be I guess.

We weren’t trying for a baby, I mean, Jaxson is only a year old and James is 3. Our house is pretty full and life is pretty damn nuts. I went to the gynae for my yearly check-up and he does that horrid internal check with Mrs.Wanda (the wand, that stupid wand they have to insert inside your vajay) and he looks surprised. He tells me I am ovulating – which is weird for me because I haven’t ovulated on my own in so long – the month I got pregnant with James to be exact. Anyhoo, I was lying there thinking, “Crap, well I need to take a test in two weeks then.”

Two weeks went by pretty fast. A friend stayed by me for a couple days that probably made it go by so much faster. The day she left we had champagne and life was great. The next day, I realize I was due for my period – and nothing. Next day, nothing. My sister and I went to Checkers for groceries and I told her my concerns. She convinced me to just buy the damn test and take it that night. Me being, well, me, I bought three tests.

I got home, hid the tests away and got the kids in bed. I sneaked the tests into the bathroom and took one. Clearblue with the plus sign? Yes, that one. I pee’d in a cup and put the test in. I kept staring at it, watching the dye run from left to right. The horizontal line was there, the control line shows up and now we wait. 20 seconds pass, I look down, there it is. There is that stinkin’ vertical line staring at me. My heart starts racing, my hands are shaking and I feel like I am going to throw up. My sister is standing down the hallway and I look at her with panic. She runs to me and tries to calm me down.

A million things run through my mind. Jaxson is only a year old, how can this be? What am I going to do? What is my husband going to say? Where do you go for abortions? Will I be able to live with myself? So many questions ran through my mind. I was helpless.

I told my husband. He wasn’t okay. He did not know how to deal with this surprise and to be honest, neither did I. He was angry, confused, scared, upset and worried – it was gut-wrenching, even though I felt the same.

We didn’t speak much that weekend. It was silent in our home and the tension ran high. We didn’t speak about the situation or acknowledged it. The following week while he was at work, I sent him a quote that said: “Unplanned doesn’t mean unwanted, it just means life knew what we needed before we did.” He replied, “I know baby.”

Somehow, I felt comfort in that. He started to be okay with it, and so did I. I ordered a little gender-neutral outfit and a mickey mouse baby grow. We were going to have another little baby and the fear started to subside.

After a couple of days, we started joking about it. How ironic it was and how things happen for a reason. I started googling baby names and looking at itty bitty baby clothes online. Eugene started making comments about James, Jaxson and baby number three all under one roof – we were finally getting excited. I wish we didn’t. I really wish we didn’t get happy about it.

Monday morning at 9 AM I was at Pathcare to take my blood levels. It was done quick and painless but man, the 2-hour wait to get your results felt like days. I got my results back – a steady number! I was SO happy. It confirmed it even more for me. But something told me something isn’t right. That stupid gut feeling that just kills your mood? Yeah, that shitty feeling.

I waited until Wednesday to take another round of blood tests. Again, the wait felt like forever and that is when my world started spinning.  It did not double. I ran to my gynae’s office and showed it to him. He calmed me down and told me to recheck in a week. A week was too long, I could not make it. So I decided to go the Friday again (4 days after the first test). I sat in my car before collecting the result and I prayed. I prayed for peace with whatever happens.

I walked into Pathcare, got my results. Went up with just 50. That was it. Didn’t even double after 4 days, where it should double after 2. I went home, I cried and that’s when the cramping started. I was absolutely devasted. I hated my body, I hated that I got my hopes up and I hated that life was ripping this baby away from me. I started spotting on Friday and then bleeding got a little worse. I went into ER, was sent home on bed rest as my cervix was closed and was told it was a threatened miscarriage. I just knew this baby was leaving me. Leaving us.

Eugene did not want to believe it at first because my HCG kept increasing, but as a woman, you just know. You know what is happening to your body and you know when something is not right. The Saturday I started bleeding a lot more. I went back to ER and they sent me home again, with progesterone. I knew it was useless but I used it anyway.
Then Sunday came. Oh, Sunday…

Clotting and a lot more blood. I went back to the hospital at 3pm and got admitted for the night to be monitored. They took my bloods again – 397. Devastated. Hurt. Angry. But something inside me still wished it would all be okay and that there is a little hope – is that stupid? I mean, look at what was happening.

Monday morning the on-call gynae came and gave me the option of taking the tablet to get rid of everything and let it naturally pass. We chose to go that route as the pregnancy was deemed unviable. With the immense amount of blood and clotting, the cramping and the extremely slow HCG rise, this baby would not survive.

I took the tablet, I went home and a little bit of me died that day. I cramped so much and no amount of pain killers helped. I eventually passed everything after 6 days.
I have never experienced that amount of emotional pain in my life. I am so thankful for the strong support system around me – if I did not have it, I don’t know where I would have been right now. Losing a baby, even that early (6 weeks), is absolutely devastating and something I do not wish upon anyone. But sadly, it is quite common and so many women go through it. Is it fair? No. Do I still believe things happen for a reason? Absolutely.
My head hurts, my heart hurts and right now I am just trying to pick up the pieces and move on.

I will be okay, soon.
Next part coming next week – my horrible experience with the ER and on-call doctor. Yes, there is loads more to the story.

I created a Instagram page as soon as we found out – you can see more of how I was feeling there. It’s set to private but I will accept those wanting to have a look. @journey.to.nr3 (it was originally @thirdbabykruger but I changed it since we are going to start on our next journey.)

Till next time,
C xx